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Haig House Rules OK?
As another year draws to a close and those who have finished their sentences are released, I look forward to welcoming new Haig House members who will be joining us in August. In particular, I am especially pleased to announce the imminent arrival of a new pool table and air hockey game just in time for the holidays and my exclusive use. For those inmates coming up to Haig, a few ground rules to help your transition from one house to another (in no particular order) . . .
1. Thou shalt have no other Haig Housemaster except me - sorry, that's the way it is.
2. Remember the Sabbath day and do not try to skive chapel by any of the following means:
• pretending someone has stolen thy kilt
• waiting till everyone has gone in and then pretending there are no seats left
• saying that thou have great admiration for Richard Gere and have also turned to Buddhism
3. Honour thy Housemaster and Housematron or thou will not get sweeties from the tuckshop or a clean pair of socks in thy pigeon-hole.
4. Thou shall kill thyself laughing when Mr Laing tries to crack a funny in the office.
5. Thou shalt not steal along the corridor to another dorm after lights out or hell-fire and brimstone will rain down upon you from the
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Housemaster in his stealth shoes.
6. Thou shalt not give false testimony along the lines of "it wisnae me ... it wis him."
7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's boxer shorts/Toploader CD/Championship Manager game or thy Housemaster will sayeth: "Gonnae no dae that."
8. Thou shalt not make a graven image of the Haig Housemaster with specs and a bald head even if it is worth a credit grade in art.
9. Thou shall not nick thy neighbour's girlfriend or the ten plagues of Egypt will be called down upon you ... or he might just not speak to you for a couple of days.
10. Thou shalt not call thy Housemaster's name in vain unless it is the utmost importance e.g. "Sir! Hearts have just scored ..."
And the one commandment that MUST be obeyed before all others
11. Thou shall not nutmeg the Haig Housemaster during the staff/pupils football league or thy will knock and the tuckshop door shall not opened onto you.
Matron's Beatitudes Blessed ore those who turn up for shoe inspection with their own shoes and don't try to pass off someone else's clean shoes as their own, for they will inherit a pat on the head
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and be congratulated as a 'good lad.'
Blessed are those who get their dirty clothes handed in time for they will inherit a clean set, and a metaphorical halo in Matron's eyes.
Blessed are those whose kilts are the correct- length for then the wrath of the SSM will not be visited upon Matron on Parade Day and she will be in a good mood for the rest of the week.
Blessed ore those who wear their jeans more than once before chucking them in the wash, for this will lighten Matron's burden.
Blessed are those who do not play football in the dorms for they will not have to tap their parents for money for a new window.
Blessed are those who do not pester Matron for garter flashes at 10.55 on a Sunday morning, for they will not be told exactly where those garter flashes should go. Blessed are those who keep their bunks tidy, empty their bins and clear their desk tops on a Monday morning, for they will not have a thunderbolt visited upon them from Mrs Duthie and Mrs Henderson.
Blessed are those who do not run about going: 'Ooooh Matron!' in a Kenneth William; voice for Matron does not like a Carry-On in the corridor.
Steve Laing Haig Housemaster
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